


Eyes Bright Enough To Burn

by fallingintoplace



Category: Bring Me The Horizon, My Chemical Romance, Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gang World, Child Abuse, Gangs, Human Trafficking, LOTS of violence, M/M, Murder, Muteness, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, but like briefly mentioned, maybe tortue?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-02-07 19:04:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12847545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingintoplace/pseuds/fallingintoplace
Summary: When Kellin runs away, he has no choice but to trust his friend on fully escaping. Things go wrong, and he ends up being held by a local gang. Once again, he has no choice. He never did.Hey this is a rewrite of Heaven and Hell Lives In All Of Us.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome! So this story is a rewrite, so hopefully I'll be able to get chapters up pretty quick. Thanks for reading!  
> The first chapter starts off triggering, and it won't really get better, so please please please keep yourself safe. This chapter includes rape and violence.

His voice made me nauseous. It was oily slick and sickeningly sweet, and all too familiar. I hated it, and I hated him. I stiffened as his words gently caressed me, bewitching but insidious. I had learned long ago not to fall for them. They were false. They had to be. After all, who could ever love me?

“Come on, Kellin. You know I love you. This is how people show love. But you have to show me that you love me, too. Can you do that?” He almost framed it as a choice, but his hand slammed down on my shoulder and he shoved me forward, guiding me to my room. He always made sure it was my room, so I had nowhere that felt safe in the house. It worked. I hadn’t felt safe in a long time.

“I love it how you don’t even struggle anymore. You’ve given up.” I bent my head in shame, because he was right. I’d given up a long time ago. He pushed me onto my bed and climbed on top of me. It never got better, it always hurt in so many ways. Tears leaked from my eyes, but I didn’t dare make a sound. He noticed anyways. “Poor little Kellin. Crying already? How about this? If you tell me to stop, I’ll stop.” I didn’t trust him. I couldn’t trust him. He smirked. “You’re a clever little whore. You knew it would only make it worse for you if you talked. But that still doesn’t excuse you for crying. You should be grateful, grateful that I love you.” He wrapped his hands around my throat, tightening until I was seeing spots. I clawed at him, trying to loosen his hands, but he was stronger than me. I started panicking as I couldn’t breathe, but I soon passed out. I hoped that I wouldn’t wake up.

I did wake up, but he was gone. I was sticky and bloody, and retched on the floor. Nothing came up, which was good. I’d be in trouble if I made a mess.

The door was locked. I jiggled the knob, but it stayed shut. I sighed, and slumped against the door. I was going to be stuck here for a while. I could hear my dad talking to someone on the phone, but I did’t pay attention until I heard my name.

“And how much will you give me for Kellin? Enough to pay my debts? Good. Wait, you’re keeping him? Alright, fine, you can take him. You’ll stop by to inspect the merchandise or whatever it’s called? Good, I’ll see you soon. Thanks.” One side of the conversation was enough to scare me. It sounded like he was _selling_ me. I needed to get out of here. The door was useless, but the window was low enough that I could probably get out with hurting myself too badly. It didn’t open, but I could break it. I gathered what I needed from my room, which wasn’t much. I didn’t even have a pair of shoes, but I’d survive. I always do. 

There wasn’t much in my room that seemed heavy enough to break the window, but I picked up the chair that sat in the corner. It took a couple hits, and I was scared he’d come in to see what the noise was. He didn’t, so I climbed through the broken window. I sliced myself multiple times, but that was the least of my worries. I was much more worried about how I’d get to Oli’s house without shoes. He lived a few miles away, but I had to get there. And soon, too, because my dad would get suspicious pretty soon. I set off, ignoring the rocks I walked over. The discomfort was secondary to everything else.

I got to Oli’s house late at night. I didn’t want to wake him, so I found the key he hid in the potted plant in the front, and let myself into his house. I locked the door, then dead bolted it, then locked the back door and all the windows. No one was getting in.

Oli slept on the second floor, so I slipped up the stairs and crept into his room. I wedged myself tightly in the corner, hugging my knees to my chest, just watching Oli sleep. I felt safer from just being in the same room as him. He was like my guardian angel, always protecting me, whether it was schoolyard bullies or my sorry excuse for a dad. I didn’t understand why he took care of me. I didn’t deserve it, but he seemed to think I was worth it. I had stopped questioning him a while ago.

Oli slept late into the morning, only waking up when the doorbell started to ring incessantly. He hadn’t noticed me yet, and I didn’t want to scare him, so I didn’t move. He opened the door, and I immediately heard my dad shouting.

“I don’t know where he is!” Oli shouted. “I haven’t seen him in a while.” He slammed the door shut, and locked it tight again. Dad tried to shout through the door.

“Tell me if you see him! I need him for something.” Oli was already walking upstairs, though, and ignored him.

“Kellin,” he called softly. “Are you here?” I unwound myself from the corner, and went out to greet Oli. He held me at arms’ length and examined me closely, then hugged me. “You look like shit.” I rolled my eyes. That wasn’t anything new. “Come sit down, and we can talk. Do you want some tea?” He babbled at me cheerfully as I followed him into the kitchen, not caring that I couldn’t talk back. I knew he missed hearing my voice, but he’d been so kind and we learned sign language together. It made things a little easier.

“By the way, your dad came looking for you. He seemed pretty desperate. Any idea why?” I nodded, and tried to sum up my suspicions. I signed: _he talked on the phone and mentioned something about using me to settle his debt. i ran._ Oli sighed, and pulled me close. “It’s not safe there anymore. I’m not letting you go back.” I sniffled, because I knew he was right, but I also knew I was trouble. _he’ll come back. i don’t want him hurting you_. “I can take care of myself, okay?” I nodded, not convinced. Oli didn’t know him like I did. “How about this? I have a friend in California you can stay with. It’s far away, he’ll never find you, and I can honestly tell him you’re not here. Does that sound okay?” I nodded again, but more sure this time. I didn’t want to leave Oli. “Great. Do you mind flying? I kept your ID like you asked me to. I can go buy a ticket for you.” I smiled at him and nodded. I didn’t want to leave him, but it didn’t seem like I had any other options. “You should try to ice those bruises.” I got up slowly, sore, but walked over to the freezer and got an ice pack. 

“Kellin? What happened to your feet?” I’d left bloody footprints on the floor of the kitchen. I hadn’t even noticed they were hurt. It was probably from climbing through a broken window and walking barefoot through the city. I just shrugged, though. No need to make him worry any more. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.”

The water stung the cuts on my feet, but we were able to get the dirt out of the wounds and bandage them up. I caught Oli staring at me with pity. I glanced down, ashamed.

“Hey, don’t feel bad.” He didn’t understand that I always feel bad. “Your flight leaves tonight, if that’s okay. I don’t think you need to bring much with you, my friend will help you out when you get there.” I nodded. I shouldn’t need so much help, I shouldn’t be so weak. Oli helped me stand, and my feet didn’t feel too bad. I didn’t have any shoes, though. I nudged Oli, and pointed to my feet. He gave me a pair of his shoes to wear. He had already given me so much.

We sat together for a while before it was time to go to the airport. I wore a hoodie that I had zipped all the way up, to hide the bruises on my neck. I didn’t want any questions.

It was a short ride to the airport, and Oli said goodbye before I entered security. I gave him a hug. I wanted to remember what safe felt like. Security was pretty quick, so I made my way over to the gate. I’d gotten some strange looks, so I pulled my hood farther over my face. All I had on me were my clothes, a pair of earbuds and a crazy old iPod and a cheap pre-paid phone Oli had gotten for me. He didn’t want me to not be able to contact him. I sat anxiously, waiting to board my plane. I had never flown before. 

The plane itself wasn’t that bad once I got on board. Miraculously, no one was in the seat next to me, so I felt fine putting in my earbuds and zoning out. I ended up sleeping the entire flight. Standing up was awful, my body was just so sore and stiff and achey. 

Oli told me to look for someone with red hair named Gerard. He was easy to spot, and not just because he had a sign with my name on it. Red didn’t do his hair justice. It was fire alarm red, not what I was expecting.

I walked up slowly to Gerard. I was trusting someone I’d never met before, and I was scared even though Oli trusted him. But he turned, and smiled at me as I came closer.

“You must be Kellin! Oli’s told me so much about you.” He stuck out his hand to shake, and I grasped it gingerly. I signed _hello_ before realizing that Gerard probably didn’t know what that meant. His grin didn’t waver, and he signed right back. “Oli said something about you not talking. I think that’s why he chose me to pick you up. My little brother is deaf, so I had to learn sign language, too.” Gerard’s cheerful tone didn’t falter for a moment as we started leaving. “Sorry that we’re walking, I don’t have a car, and L.A. traffic is a nightmare.” I smiled slightly. I didn’t mind, even though my feet were in pain. I could suffer a little bit longer just to be safe.

Gerard just chattered nonstop for most of the walk, not caring that I didn’t respond. I was happy for the company but I was getting a little overwhelmed.

He stopped suddenly as someone stepped out from one of the alleyways. It was multiple someones, and they all had guns. I knew this was too good to be true. My presence seemed to always cause trouble.

Gerard pulled out a gun, too, and turned to face what I assumed was the leader of the group.

“What do you want, Vic?” The man who must’ve been Vic just smiled.

“Nothing, I just thought that I’d enjoy your presence at our headquarters.”

“I’m not going with you.”

“I didn’t expect you’d be willing. So I have three guns, plus my own, pointed at you and your friend. If you continue to refuse, he’ll die first.” I tried to catch Gerard’s attention, trying to say that I actually wouldn’t mind dying, but Gerard spoke before I was able to do anything.

“Fine. I’ll go with you, just don’t hurt him.” Gerard dropped his gun on the ground. Vic smiled.

“Perfect! How about the two of you join us in the van? Tony and Mike can keep you company.” ‘Company’ apparently meant tying us up in the back of the van and watching us for the majority of the ride. The two of them walked us into an rather nondescript building and into the basement. There were a few cell-like rooms, and we got shoved into one of them and the door slammed shut, locked. I didn’t even try the knob; there was no use in attempting. Gerard sat in the corner and looked at me.

“I’m sorry you got dragged into this mess.” I just shrugged. It couldn’t be worse than what I left, so I didn’t care much. We sat in silence for a while, Gerard no longer cheerful. The door eventually opened, and Vic came in.

“I have a few questions for you two.”

“I’m not gonna give you any answers,” Gerard spat.

“We’ll see. But first, who are you?” His question was directed at me, and my eyes fluttered up to meet his, then I quickly glanced away. I couldn’t answer. “I asked you a question.” Vic was now in front of me, holding my bound hands against the wall, his face filling up my vision. I shook my head. He slapped me. Gerard finally intervened.

“His name is Kellin. He doesn’t speak, so there’s no use trying to bully him into talking.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Kellin. Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?” Vic smirked. “And Gerard, I’m sure I can make this pretty little thing sing like a bird.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's up, my friends? So I'm a bit late with this update, I just finished exams this week(my school has trimesters) so I was very busy and stressed. So I have a new chapter, it's officially going in a bit of a different direction than my previous attempt. This is a shorter chapter so sorry about that. Triggers are mostly violence and talking about bruises and past abuse, but not current. Love you guys!  
> Also, bold is Kellin communicating but not speaking.

Vic pulled me from our little cell and led me through a labyrinth of hallways until we reached an empty room that just held a chair. He shut and locked the door, then sat down in the chair, leaning back and looking at me.

“I’m trying to figure out where you fit. I know I haven’t seen you before. Where are you from?” I didn’t answer. “I guess Gerard was right about you not speaking. I think I can fix that.” He moved the chair to side and walked closer to me. He pulled my hood off and examined me, his fingers lightly tracing the fingerprints around my neck and the bruises on my face. “Take off your hoodie. I want to see what I’m dealing with.”

I raised my hands, which were still bound together at the wrists. He laughed. “I can help you with that.” He pulled out a knife and cut the hoodie off of me. I shivered, from both the cold and the way he was looking at me. He circled me, looking at the bruises and scars that wrapped around my torso and covered my arms. “Whoever it was really did a number on you.”

He ran his hands down the scars on my back, and I flinched when he touched me. “Aww, is little Kellin scared?” I didn’t move. I wasn’t as scared of him hurting me as much as I was scared of him knowing what happened to me.

“Did you do these yourself?” He motioned to my arms. He was right. Those scars were self-inflicted. When dad had noticed, he just laughed at me for being weak. It didn’t stop me though. I gave him a single, jerky nod. He prodded the bruises on my hips. “Shame. Looks like someone got here before me. I’m gonna put you back. Maybe Gerard can enlighten me on what’s going on.”

Gerard grimaced when he saw me. “Did Oli kill the guy who did that to you?” I shook my head, then raised my wrists. Gerard turned to Vic. “He knows sign language. If you untie him, he might actually be able to communicate.” Vic pulled out his wicked looking knife again and sliced through the zip tie. I rubbed my wrists, trying to get the blood flow back into my hands. **_no i didn’t give him the chance_** “He’s probably pissed, then.” I nodded. I missed him. 

“Ask him who it was,” Vic commanded. **_i’m mute, not fucking deaf, you can actually talk to me._** Gerard laughed and relayed that to Vic, who turned to me and repeated the question, enunciating slowly just to make sure I understood. **_no. and i’m not an idiot he doesn’t need to talk like that_**

“He’s not telling,” Gerard said. It wasn’t anyone’s business but mine, and I especially didn’t want Vic to know. He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him.

“Tell me now, or I’ll hurt you so bad you’ll wish you were dead.” I stared at him dead in the eyes **_i’m not scared of you._** Vic’s face twisted with rage when Gerard translated, but his beating wasn’t as bad as others I’d had. And I already wished I was dead. 

He left me bleeding in the corner. My feet were what hurt the most, so I unwrapped the bandages to check on the cuts. They looked raw and irritated.

“Those look bad,” Gerard commented. I shrugged. It wasn’t a big deal. I just needed to wash them and it would probably be fine. Probably. I turned to face Gerard. **_why are we here?_** Like Vic, I wanted some answers, but I wasn’t going to be violent about getting them. “It’s kinda complicated, but I can sum it up for you. Vic and I are in opposing gangs, and you just got caught in the crossfire. I’m sorry about that.” **_does Oli know?_** He laughed. “Oli’s in a gang, too. That’s how we know each other.”

I was mad as hell. Why hadn’t he told me this? He’d been hiding a major portion of his life from me, and I never noticed. Maybe it was my fault, that I didn’t care enough about him to ask. I should have been a better friend to him, because I wasn’t likely to ever see him again. I wished I was able to apologize. **_he never told me_**. Gerard seemed chagrined. “I’m sorry that I told you, then. It should’ve been his to share. I guess I just assumed he had because he always talks about you.” **_he talked about me?_** “He really loves you.”

I relaxed against the wall. I was missing Oli even more. He cared about me, and I felt safe with him. **_what does he say_?**

“He’s said things about how you’re one of the kindest people he’s met, but you’ve been dealt a rough hand in life. He wouldn’t go into details, but from what he’s said, your dad is absolute scum.” I started gagging. How much did that mean he knew? No one could know, they’d think I’m weak, they’d _know_ I’m weak. I felt so compromised and exposed, I didn’t know how many people Oli had told, and what he’d said. Gerard reached over to pat my arm, and I flinched away, scuttling over to the corner where I could see the entire room and the door. I didn’t want Gerard to be even near me. If he knew what my dad had done, he’d know he could hurt me as well. Gerard tried to come closer to me, but I let out the smallest of whimpers, and he left me alone. “I’m sorry. For both what’s been done to you, and what I know.” Words don’t make things better. They were hollow lies, because even Oli lied and now I can’t trust anyone. I shouldn’t have ever trusted him.

“Do you know why Oli took care of you?” I didn’t move, but Gerard continued. “Oli used to have a brother. They were in a similar situation as you, but Tom- he died. And Oli never forgave himself for that. He tried to take care of you so he wouldn't repeat his mistakes.” That just made it so fucking worse. Not only was I pitiable, the only reason Oli even talked to me was because of some sick, twisted form of guilt. I wasn’t a person to him, I was something he could use to make himself feel like a better person, but I didn’t deserve the privacy of an actual person, Gerard just proved that. I had never felt this angry before. I had _trusted_ Oli. I expected everyone else to hurt me, I was used to it, but Oli was the exception. Not anymore. Gerard continued to talk, just to fill the time, because I wasn’t responding. But lucky me got to hear _all_ about Gerard’s boyfriend Frank, and way more of their sex life than I ever wanted to. I guess sharing other people’s personal secrets was typical of gang members. I also learned about Gerard’s friends, not that there were many, and his brother. They all lived nearby and were all in his gang, so Gerard was hopeful that they’d come and save him. I learned a long time ago not to hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are really the best. I say this all the time, but writing gives me motivation to keep going and you guys just help fuel it. So thank you.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotcha a new chapter. I didn't update horrendously late, so kudos to me. Triggers include mentions of self harm, a LOT of violence, some suicidal thoughts and panicking. Stay safe y'all

Gerard had his own turn with Vic and his cronies. I didn’t care. I hadn’t moved moved except for a slight jolting when the door opened or shut. Gerard tried to get my attention, but I didn’t even open my eyes. My eyelids were just too heavy. I wasn’t even asleep, just not there. I felt like I was burning. I hoped this was purgatory, so I could purge my sins and finally get to heaven or hell, or wherever I belonged, because I didn't want to stay here. I didn’t want to stay alive. If killing yourself meant you were damned to hell, so be it. I’d see my father there, and I’d be able to make sure he was adequately punished. He never would be.

My reprieve from this situation didn’t last as long as I had hoped. Rough hands pulled me up, and I followed them out of the room blindly, unable to pull myself out of my head enough to see clearly.

“Look at me.” It was Vic, and he grabbed my chin to force me to face him. The muscles behind my eyes ached when I tried to focus, so I made brief eye contact, and let them slip closed. He let go of me, and I slumped against the wall. I could hear him pacing, but my eyes couldn't even begin to track him, so I kept them shut. “I’m almost disappointed in you. It looks like I’ve broken you already.” I huffed softly. I may have been broken, but it wasn't by him. It would never be him. I didn’t care enough about him for his actions to hurt me. His hand slammed against the wall next to my ear. “What’s so funny?” I nodded slightly towards him. I prepared myself for the blow I knew was coming, but it never did. I cracked open my eyes to see him just standing there, watching me. I smiled at him slightly, just to acknowledge him, and leaned my head back against the wall. The door opened, closed, then locked; I slid down the wall until I was sitting on the floor. It was quiet.

He came back, of course, but he brought someone else with him. I didn’t open my eyes. A kick to my ribs was enough to get me to respond with a faint glare.

“Alright. I’m gonna ask you a few questions and Gerard will translate. Unless Gerard knows,” he turned to face Gerard. “You probably know a lot more than you’ve said. Why don’t I just ask you?” This was what made me react. I signed to Gerard, my hands moving rapidly and angrily. **_if you dare tell him a single thing, i will kill you. and trust me when i say that i can make it very painful for a long time before you actually die. and what would your frank think about you dying because you betrayed someone? he wouldn’t be so proud of you, would he?_ ** Gerard blanched for a moment, and I threw up a little in my mouth. I’d threatened someone, with pain and death and I scared someone, even if it was just a little. I wasn’t any different than what my dad was like. I _tried_ to frighten someone into doing what I wanted and that was like betraying what I’d always hoped I’d never do. I choked again. **_i’m sorry i’m so sorry please just don’t tell him anything. i’m so sorry._** I was panicking, barely able to breath.

“Hey, Kellin, it’s okay. Try to calm down.” I could hear Gerard, but I felt too fuzzy to see him. My chest was constricting to the point that it felt like my heart was going to burst out of my ribcage. It was too tight. Someone tried to wrap their arms around me, but I recoiled, bringing my arms up to shield my face. I sat frozen, waiting and panting.

“Jesus. I’m sorry about that.” I didn’t move, and Gerard sighed. “I know you don’t know me very well, but I am not him, and I will never hurt you like he did. You have to trust me on this.” I lowered my arms slowly, looking at him with bleary, tear stained eyes. **_promise?_** “I promise.” I gave him a brief twitch of a smile, but it was enough for him to smile back. 

“Heartwarming,” Vic drawled. “Now someone better tell me what the fuck is going on, or you’ll both regret it.” I pleaded at Gerard with my eyes.

“I can tell you one thing. Fuck you.” Vic surged forward and pinned Gerard to the wall, his hands wrapped tight around his throat. 

“The only thing keeping me from killing you right now is your worth in a bargain,” he hissed. “But that won’t stop me from hurting you. Or hurting Kellin, with you knowing it’s all your fault.” Gerard spat in his face. Vic’s fist collided with Gerard’s face. His nose was broken, and gushing blood. He released Gerard, and he fell to his knees on the floor. Vic kicked him until he was curled up, pained and bruised. He let Gerard sit up. “It’s a shame that I need you, because I’m still very angry. I wonder how I can get some of that anger out?” He turned to me, with a sharklike grin. “I think I know.” 

Gerard was bound up and shoved into the corner. Vic advanced on me. “Your turn, love.” I glared at him, but he just held my chin sonf chuckled. “You’re still pretty even when glaring. It’s not making your eyes any less beautiful.” He leaned in and kissed me. I waited until he deepened the kiss to bite firmly down on his lower lip. He wiped blood from his mouth. “I don’t think you understand something, pretty. You’re _mine_ and I own you. So when I kiss you, you’re going to kiss back, and when I ask you to speak, you’re going to fucking do it.” I shook my head. I wasn’t going to be owned. His face darkened with anger. “This is your last chance to speak before I hurt you.” I stared at him in the eyes, and shook my head again. 

“Do you remember this?” Once again, he pulled out his knife, and it was deceptively sharp. It was truly an evil thing. He dragged it ever so lightly across my clavicle before making a shallow cut down my sternum. I shivered out of fear, but the knife was cold, too. He dug the blade deeper suddenly, and I hissed slightly. I could feel the blood dripping. He made a few more cuts before speaking again. “I’ll stop if you tell me to. Just one word, say ‘no’ and I’ll stop. I don’t want to hurt you, but I’ll keep doing it to get what I need.” 

He was lying. I can’t trust him. I’d had that tried on me before, and I knew it would only get worse if I spoke. Then I’d get truly punished. I knew I couldn’t speak. It would only make things worse. He was lying, and I couldn’t trust a word he said.

The blade didn’t stop, and it sliced through my skin easily. It hurt, but not enough for me to speak. It would only end up hurting more if I did. I tried to think of the pain differently, like back to when I would cut just to feel. I tried to relax into the pain, repurpose it to stop feeling so numb, but the pain didn’t feel good unless I was the one causing it. I didn’t have control right now. 

Someone rapped on the door and barged right in, not waiting for an answer. He walked up to Vic, barely giving me a second glance, as if seen someone covered in blood was an everyday occurrence. As far as I knew, it may have been.

“We have a problem, Vic. There’s some Chemmies that have been watching us for a few days now. They’re becoming more obvious, so we think they’re planning something.” Vic swore, punched me out of anger, then spun to face his underling. 

“Okay, we have to move these two somewhere else. I don’t want them to get Gerard back, and I’m not quite done with Kellin. Load them onto the truck and take them to the other house we have. I’ll wrap up some things here then follow you.” He wiped my blood off of his knife onto my pants, then left the room. Gerard was led to the truck we’d been in earlier, and I was frog marched right behind him. I couldn’t do this again, I couldn’t be locked away again. I stepped hard on my captor’s foot, and twisted free from his grip. I didn’t get very far before I got shot down with a bullet straight into my shoulder. I collapsed. I thought for a moment that they’d come grab me, or just shoot me again, but they didn’t. One of them shouted something about needing to hurry, and that I was probably dead, or would be soon, considering all the blood I had lost. I agreed with them. I would d be dead soon, and I couldn’t wait.

Just before I got so woozy that things darkened, I saw a pair of boots in front of my face. I felt someone pick me up, almost gently, and whoever it was carried my inert body away. I blackened out soon after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you dudes! Hit me up if you want.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo so hi! I actually have an update for you guys. No major warnings for like violence, but just people being creepy and possessive and some guns.

Waking up was rough. My tongue felt like sandpaper and my entire body was aching. I kept my eyes closed for a while, not having the energy to open them. Enough light filtered through my eyelids for me to know that it was too bright in the room.

I must’ve drifted off again, because the room seemed darker. I opened my eyes hesitantly, and then quickly shut them again. Someone was sitting in a chair next to my bed. I cracked my eyes open again, peering through my eyelashes. It was Oli. I stayed very still, hoping he’d leave soon.

He put his hand on my head and started gently playing with my hair. My heart jumped, and I scrambled away the best I could in the bed.

“Kellin! I was so worried about you.” He reached out for me, but I shrunk away, pressing myself against the wall the bed was put by. I looked away from him, staring pointedly at the wall. “Why are you scared of me?” he whispered. I sneered at him. **_i don’t trust you_**

He looked almost heartbroken.“Why don’t you trust me?” **_you lied to me. but more importantly, you talked about me. i trusted you_**

“I’m sorry.” And he did look sorry. He was a good actor. Too good. It almost looked like he cared. Almost. I shook my head and curled up against the wall. My shoulder was on fire, but I felt more comfortable knowing what was behind me. **_what are you doing here?_**

“I got scared when you didn’t respond to any of my messages and I couldn’t reach Gerard. I contacted Frank and he said Gerard was missing, so I flew down here to see if I could find you.” **_well, you’ve found me_** “I guess I have. I’m sorry all this happened to you.” I didn’t look at him, and he sighed and left the room. I was sorry, too.

He didn’t care. And if he ever did, he wouldn’t anymore, because I was never going to let someone in. I’d push everyone away. I just wanted to be alone. No one can judge me if I’m alone.

I slipped out of the bed and hobbled my way over to the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror, the harsh lighting making my skin look even more sallow than usual. My eyes were sunken in, and I prodded the bags beneath them, but hissed in pain when I accidentally jabbed a bruise. I looked like I was halfway dead. It was actually quite disgusting. Shaking my head, I splashed some cold water on my face before cupping my hands beneath the faucet so I could drink a little. I stood clutching the sink for a while, the cool porcelain drowning out just a little bit of the droning in my ears. My fingers itched.

Someone had taken Oli’s seat. It was a much shorter man who still managed to seem intimidating. It was only mitigated by him resting his head in his hands, silently crying. He glanced up when I flicked off the bathroom light. The room had grown much darker than before, only some late afternoon sunlight filtering in through the window. I hadn’t released that much time had gone by,

The man had a handsome face, but that didn’t mean much. His eyes were red from crying, and it looked like ‘sad’ crying, not ‘angry’ crying. He rose from his chair to face me, but stopped moving when I froze. I watched as he held out his hands to show he wasn’t going to hurt me _i’m not a dumb dog_ and sat back down. “You’re Kellin, right?” His voice was rough, probably from crying. I didn’t like it. I didn’t trust it. He took my silence as a ‘yes’ though we both knew that he didn’t need to ask. It was just a courtesy. I was no more of a guest here than I was when I was with Vic. I just wasn’t tied up. “I’m Frank.” 

So this was Gerard’s boyfriend. I’d honestly expected someone more impressive, especially due to all of Gerard’s descriptions of his fabled Frank. What he lacked in height, he appeared to make up in intelligence, because he caught the flash of recognition on my face.

“You’ve seen Gerard?” One single, jerky nod. “Is he alright?” I shrugged. Frank’s face fell. “Is-is he _alive_?” I was able to nod for that question, and Frank seemed to almost flop in relief. I knew better. Death was sometimes the better option. Hoping that Gerard was still alive was borderline selfish. Frank wanted Gerard alive not for Gerard’s sake, but for himself. “Do you know where he is?” Another shrug. And quite frankly, I didn’t really care anymore. Gerard had been alright, but I was just done with this entire situation. He asked me a few more questions, but I didn’t respond. I didn’t know where Gerard was, or what they were planning to do with him. I just wanted to be left alone.

Frank did eventually leave, but not after trying to interrogate me. In the end, he was just too frustrated by my silence that he left. I apathetically watched him go. He shut the door quietly, which I was grateful for.

I lied back down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. There were little grains on the ceiling to count, but I kept losing track of where I was. I eventually got frustrated, so I settled on picking at my fingernails. I wanted to get out of this hellishly boring room, but I didn’t want to see people, so I just sat there, doing absolutely nothing.

The boredom was getting to a point that I was actually contemplating leaving the room, but the decision was made for me. Oli opened the door and asked if I wanted to join him and some other people. I didn’t, but dealing with others was just barely better than staying here. I followed him out. We ended up in a room with a few couches. Frank was there, as were two other men. They said hello, and I nodded slightly to acknowledge them. I took a seat as far away from everyone as I could. Oli sat down next to me, which was not what I wanted. He put his hand on my knee, and I pushed it off and slid over a bit on the couch.

Frank and the others, whose names were Mikey and Ray, were talking about Gerard(of course). I tuned them out, instead looking at the art on the walls. Someone’s phone rang, but I ignored that as well. I could hear Frank talking animatedly, but I didn’t listen until I heard him mention Vic, who was apparently the person who called.

“He says he wants a ransom for Gee. We gotta meet him in four hours.”

“How much does he want?”

“5 million.” 

“There’s no way we can get that much in a few hours!”

“I know.” Frank rubbed at his eyes. “We’ll bring as much as we can and hope he’ll say it’s enough. Or at least enough for him to not hurt Gerard.”  
I didn’t realize suitcases full of money were real things, but Frank and his friends as well as Oli climbed into three cars to make the trade, one of them carrying a duffel case with close to 3 million dollars in it. I tagged along with Oli, mainly because I wasn’t trusted to be alone.

The sun was setting when we got to the run down building in the shadier part of town. Vic was already there, pressing a gun to Gerard’s temple, who, to his credit, was still wearing his trademark ‘I don’t give a fuck’ smirk. There were a couple other guys with him, all armed to the teeth.

Our ragtag group gathered together, 15 yards from Vic. Oli had his hand on my shoulder, possibly to comfort me, but it was making me more anxious. I didn’t like being so near Vic again, whose eyes widened hungrily when he caught sight of me. I shivered.

“You’ve got the money?” Frank stepped forward to respond.

“Most of it. We weren’t able to gather it all on such short notice.”

“That’s a shame for poor Gerard over here. I thought I told you he’d get hurt if you didn’t bring the money. I guess you’ve forced my hand. Unless,” he said, grinning with greed, “you want to make a deal.”

“Anything,” Frank whispered. “I’ll do anything.”

“Give me Kellin and the money and we’ll call it a fair trade.” He gestured at me with the gun, and I flinched, but he soon pressed the barrel back against Gerard’s head. 

Oli tightened his grip on my shoulder; I could feel the tips of his fingers pressing into my clavicle. Frank turned towards me hopefully, but Oli whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry. I won’t let him take you. You’re mine.” I shook my head. I had the ability to help someone, and it was, for the first time ever, my choice. I signed that to Oli. “No. I’m not letting you.” **_it’s not your decision_ **

“I’m waiting,” Vic crooned. The bastard was actually enjoying this! Gerard made eye contact with me, and whispered “please.” I nodded, and pulled away from Oli.

“We’ll get you back, Kellin,” he whispered into my ear before letting me go. “I’ll always get you back.” I took a couple hesitant steps toward Vic,

“Good boy, Kellin. You’re making the right decision.” Vic motioned at one of his henchman to grab me when I came close. He held onto my wrist tight enough that it was going to bruise. His other hand was holding a gun that was prodding the small of my back. If I was shot, it would be a long and painful death. “And the money, Frank?” Frank threw the duffel bag over. Vic released Gerard with a sharp shove that sent him stumbling. Frank immediately wrapped him in his arms, holding him tight.

I was guided towards a car and was unceremoniously shoved into the back seat. Vic climbed in as shot gun and the person who had held me took the driver’s seat. The child safety lock clicked into place, but at least I wasn’t tied up. The car was silent the entire drive.

We pulled up to an old house that wasn’t anywhere near as sketchy as I was expecting. It was definitely a different building then the one I had been in last time. It was run down in the ‘I need some love’ way, not the ‘dilapidated and about to fall apart’ way. I was lead inside, and up the stairs to a bedroom. There was a large window that made the room deceptively cheery. The thing that scared me the most was metal wristband that was chained and bolted securely to the wall on the far side of the bed. I did _not_ want to know what it was for, but I was afraid that I was about to find out.

I was not shocked when the cuff was fastened around my wrist. I wasn’t happy, but definitely not shocked. Vic and his friend left the room, and locked the door. They didn’t need to. I pulled experimentally on the chain, and it was only a few feet long. Long enough that I could stand up, but I couldn’t reach the window, and definitely not the door. I sat down in the corner that the bed made where it met the wall. It wasn’t much of a hiding place, but it would have to do. I think I managed to doze off, so I was startled when the door banged open.

“Welcome back, Kellin!” Vic walked around the bed and crouched near me. He lifted my chin to examine my face before letting me turn my face away. “For a while, Mike had me convinced that you were dead. I was quite surprised to see you today. I’m a very lucky man, to get a pretty little thing like you back.” He leered at me. “You’re mine now, Kellin. And I’m never letting you go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cool so I have some ideas, but I'm gonna soon run out of my pre-planned chapters, so updates might get slow, even more than they already are. I'll try my best to get you guys something soon though. Take care!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this chapter gets back to the sexual abuse aka rape. I didn't write explicit scenes, but it is a constant theme throughout the chapter.
> 
> After that happy note, sorry that this was so late. I was conflicted on how I wanted to take this. I hope you enjoy?

“Here’s the deal, Kellin. You are mine. I own you, and you will do what I say or be punished. Severely.” He stood up. “Now, I don’t _want_ to hurt you, but I can and will if I feel like I need to. Do you understand me?” I nodded. Vic walked towards the door, but turned around for a moment before he left. “Oh, and you’re sleeping here with me tonight.” He shut the door softly.

I was a tiny bit irritated that he didn’t lock the door. It was almost torturous, knowing that if I got out of this fucking handcuff, I could just walk out. The handcuff wasn’t coming off though, at least not by me. My wrist was already tender and raw from the metal rubbing against my skin.

I started twisting the cuff around my wrist. It burned a little, and more as I kept doing it. The mild pain wasn’t enough to distract me from what Vic had said, though I was trying rather hard. I didn’t want to think about it, about him, or about what was going to happen. At least I had my window, a small but valuable mercy.

It was strange. I was in a similar situation that I’d been in for much of my life, but this one felt more permanent. I knew I was going to die here. When I was at  home my old house, because that hellhole didn’t deserve to be called home, I would fantasize about leaving, getting out of there and living my own life. It seemed possible. Now, I knew there was no point. I was never getting out of here and I shouldn't even hope. It would save me the trouble of having my dreams of freedom crushed if I didn’t entertain the dreams.

The sunset was pretty, but it terrified me. It was an impending doom type of fear. I started picking at the abrasions on my wrists, some skin peeling off. It felt hot and sore, not the sharp pain I was looking for. Anything was a distraction though. I flinched at every sound, and I actually _whimpered_ when I heard footsteps. I was ashamed of myself. So very ashamed. Maybe too ashamed, because while I was too bust contemplating my shame, the door opened and the lights flicked on. I blinked a few times, trying to get used to the sudden surge of fluorescent light. I bunkered down tighter into my corner.

“Hey, sugar. Hiding from me won’t do any good, you know.” His cheerfulness was disconcerting as he rounded the bed. “You’re so cute when you’re scared.” I glowered at him, and then in a brief moment of nerve, I flipped him off. Rude hand gestures were a universal language. But he just laughed at me. “You’re feisty! I like that.” I immediately set my face into stony impassiveness. No emotions, no reactions, I wasn’t going to listen to what he said. Just ignore it. It’s only going to get worse from here. I’ve got to just ignore it.

“Come here.” I didn’t move. “Come _here_. Now.” I stayed as still as I could, but I couldn’t help the slight swaying from anxiety. He lurched forward and yanked me up by the collar of my shirt, then gave me one of the hardest slaps I’d ever received in my life. I could tell he was stronger than my father and was just holding back. I stayed emotionless. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of my fear. “I didn’t want to do this so soon, but I said I would punish you if you disobeyed me. Get on your knees. Show me that you can be a good boy.”

I’d never felt more wretched. That was probably untrue, but tonight felt like the end of the world. It hadn’t even been _that_ bad, but it had felt like giving up. Like I was the whore everyone said I was. They were right. 

I wasn’t allowed to sleep on the bed with him, which irritated me. Not that I wanted to sleep close to him, far from that. but being kept on the floor was reinforcing that I was below him. It made me feel dirty. Like how dare I sully his bedsheets when he was the most vile and filthy thing to ever walk the planet? I wished I’d thrown up. I didn’t have much of a gag reflex any more, but that would disgust him slightly like how he disgusts me. Just in a smaller scale.

I didn’t sleep the entire night.

The morning was a repeat of last night, but he left when he was done with me. “Oh, and Kellin? If you need anything, just ask. Out loud.” He smirked, and left the door open just a crack. 

I spent most of the day seeing how much of my body I could fit under the bed. It wasn’t much. Definitely not enough for me to hide there. The door opened quietly, and I squeezed myself as tightly as I could, as if being smaller would make it easier to disappear. The person who walked over to me wasn’t Vic. He stood there, watching me for a moment.

“You, um, you have something on your face.” He gestured towards his mouth. There was something white and crusty at the corner of my mouth, and I flushed as I tried to rub it off. “Here. Let me help you.” He stepped out and came back with a damp towel. I flinched when he moved towards me, but he just gently dabbed my face. “Are you okay? Do you, like want to talk about it?” he chuckled awkwardly. “Sorry. Stupid question.” He sighed, before sitting on the edge of the bed. “I’m Mike, by the way.”Mike stuck out his hand, and I warily shook it, barely touching his fingers.

“You know, he’d go easier on you if you talked to him. You’re making this harder than it has to be.” I glared at him, and he raised his hands in mock surrender. “Sorry. Just trying to be honest here. I should probably go.” He closed the door all the way. I knew Vic was going to notice, and he’d blame me.

Vic came in not long after the sun had set. “Who closed the door?” I shrugged. “You’re a slut, I bet it was someone else who wanted to use you. Hell, you probably enjoyed it.” He crouched down next to me, his hands gentle on my throat. “The problem is, I don’t like to share.” He started to squeeze and I knew I was going to have another set of fingerprints around my neck, even as the old ones had started to fade. “You are mine, Kellin. _Mine._ ”

It turned out I was allowed on the bed, but only if Vic was fucking me. Which he did, while covering me in more marks, on my neck and shoulders, my wrists, my hips. He decided that I didn’t need clothes, handing me instead a far too big shirt that fell down to mid-thigh, and hung loose on my tiny frame. The collar kept slipping down my shoulders, just exposing more of the bruises I had.

I was back on the floor for the night. I couldn’t sleep with him so close to me, so I lookout the window. It was cloudy, like even the stars were too embarrassed to look at me. I picked at the scabs forming under my cuff, and started looking for another patch skin to scratch at. The inside of my wrist didn’t feel right, so I started to claw myself right above my ankle bone. I hated scratching as a way to feel pain, it just felt desperate and needy, not like I was in control.

Sunrise was nice. Mornings typically represent hope, but for me, they were just the knowledge that I had a short break before the bad things started again. Mike stopped by shortly after Vic had left. He looked at me, taking in the bruises, and seemed to deflate. “I’m sorry he does this.” I didn’t look at him. Mike gave me some water and then left.

The next few days repeated the same way. Vic used me at night and Mike kept me company during the day. I was actually starting to look forward to Mike, but I tried to keep myself from trusting him. It wasn’t safe. I could feel myself slipping, though, not getting quite so scared when he reached towards me to wash something off my face or give me some water to drink. He would sometimes talk to me, but I rarely even looked at him. He usually tried to convince me that speaking to Vic would make it easier, but I knew better. 

Today was different. He brought some paper and a marker with him, and slid them on the floor towards me.

“If I ask you a question, can you write the answer out for me?” I shrugged. It depended on the question. It was enough of a yes for Mike. “Why won’t you talk?” Of course he goes straight for a personal question. I felt like I owed him a little, so I wrote with shaky handwriting. 

**makes it worse**

“It makes what worse?”

**everything**

“Could you try to talk?”

**no**

“Vic might go easier on you.”

**he won’t**

“Why not? He told me that he wants you to talk to him.”

**i’ve learned my lesson. talking makes it worse**

“What do you mean?” I just shook my head. I was done with his questions. It was obvious to me. I wasn’t supposed to speak, and if I did, I’d get punished more. Mike asked me a couple more questions, but I stopped responding. Instead, I fell back into deliberately ignoring him, picking at the skin under my cuff. It had been bleeding a bit lately. Mike noticed it, and tried to take my hand to look at my skin, but I jerked back, pressing myself against the wall to get away from him. He looked ashamed.

“I’m sorry, Kellin.” I glanced at him, then away. I couldn’t bear to look at him for more than a moment. He ended up leaving after watching me for a while. I didn’t move as he walked away.

That night, I thought about what Mike had said. Vic had repeatedly demanded that I speak to him, but I never did. I debated it to myself, but every time I even considered saying anything, I just got inundated with memories of pain, of choking and dying, wishing that I was dying. It wasn’t worth it. I didn’t want to take the risk of more pain.

Mike came back in the morning, sheepishly holding more paper. 

“Can we try again?” I shrugged. “Thank you!” He settled down across from me and passed the paper over. “How are you feeling?”

**shitty**

“Can I do anything for you?” I shook my head. What did he expect me to say? I’m doing just fine? I’ve never been better? I’m loving life right now? “Did you ever speak?” I nodded. “Why did you stop?”

**he told me too**

“Who told you to?” I shook my head and glared at him, trying to express that that question was not going to be answered. He got it, widening his eyes and nodding. “Okay, moving on. What did you like to do as a kid?” I was a little startled by the new direction he was taking. I shrugged. I didn’t enjoy much as a kid. I never really got to be a kid. “Is there anything you like to do now?” 

**i like music**

“Yeah? What type?”

**i haven’t been able to listen to any in a long time**

“That sucks. I’m gonna ask another personal question, okay? When did you stop talking?” I didn’t want to think about that. I didn’t want to, but now that he mentioned it, I couldn’t stop.

**i was eleven**

I remembered it, too. There hadn’t been any food at home for a while, and I didn’t have any money to get food at school. One of my teachers, one of the only good people I’d ever known, noticed that I hadn’t been eating and I was losing weight. He offered me a bit of money to get food at lunch, and talked to me for a bit. I mentioned that things were rough at home, but no details at all. Just that things were rough. I’d get in trouble if I said any more than that.

I ended up getting into trouble anyways, because the teacher called home to say that he was worried about me. My dad was _not_ happy about that. He told me to stop lying, to top talking because no one would ever believe me, and no one wanted to hear me in the first place. And he beat that into me. If I spoke, I got punished, and I quickly learned that I had to stay quiet. I had no choice. I had no choice. I had no choice. i had no choice

“Kellin!” Mike’s hands were wrapped around my wrists, and I tried to tug my arms away but he wouldn’t let go. “Kellin, you need to calm down.” Only then did I notice I was crying. I felt like I was going to throw up, not in the way that I was actually going to, but in the way that my body felt so disgusting I needed to get out of it, or it out of me. I couldn’t stand the body I was in. Mike pulled me into his arms, but I stayed stiff, not able to relax while someone was holding me. He was trying to calm me, but he didn’t realize that his touch made me so nauseated I could barely breathe. I tried to wriggle away, and he just held on tighter. I went back to scratching at my wrist, as he wasn’t able to restrain my wrists when he was holding me. 

The shackle was slightly slippery from blood. I must’ve been picking at it without noticing. I dug my fingernails in as deep as I could, and took in a shuddering breath. My head was clearing. 

“I’ll be right back, okay?” Mike let me go and I scrambled as far away from him as I could get. I could feel my heart racing and it sickened me, the fact that my heart was still able to beat was enough to make anyone feel ill. “I’m back. I’m going to bandage up your wrist, okay?” He tried to pull my wrist free from my other hand, but I didn’t want to let go. He finally succeeded in peeling my fingers off one by one. The damp towel he used on my wrist burned like hell. I wanted my wrist back, I wanted control over my own pain back. He bandaged up my wrist like he was trying to help me. How did he not realize that he was making it harder for me?

“You’ll be okay, Kellin.” No, I wasn’t. I wasn’t going to be oh-fucking-kay. He pulled me into him, and I was retching a little. I tried to push him away and I was surprised to see that it actually worked, until I noticed that Vic had entered the room. He was going to be so mad at me. At least he pulled Mike away. No one was touching me now. It was surprising, because he was more mad at Mike than me. 

“What are you doing in here?”

“I was taking care of him, because you seem to have forgotten that he’s an actual human being.”

“It’s not your job.”

“Well, you’re not doing it!” Mike sounded exasperated. “Vic, he’s scared, and you’re making it worse.”

“I don’t care.”

“You seemed to care when you thought he was dead.”

“Get the fuck out of here. Don’t come back, and don’t fucking touch him again,” Vic hissed, in a forced-calm tone.

“Fine. But it’s not my fault that he hates you.” Vic slammed the door behind Mike.

He was more brutal with me that night than he had been before. But instead of pushing me onto the floor when he was done using me, he held my body close as he fell asleep. I tried to wriggle free, but he held on tighter. I could feel the ice rising in my throat, him holding me like he cared about me, like I wasn’t just something to use and abuse. I looked at his face. He somehow managed to look angry even when he was asleep. Something caught my eye beneath his pillow. Vic must’ve been paranoid, because I could see the handle of his knife under his head. He was incredibly stupid for leaving a weapon near his captive.

I extricated my arm from Vic’s grip and slowly slipped my hand under the pillow. Once I grasped the handle, I pulled it out achingly slowly, trying not to wake him up. The sheath slid off in a whisper, and I held up the blade in front of my face. So stupid of him. So, so stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I think this is wrapping up soonish. Maybe just a few more chapters. I'm not really sure.  
> Also, if someone wants to help beta some of my writing, please please please let me know. Comment here or send me something on tumblr. I literally just made an account, it's @fallingintoplaceao3. Take care, y'all!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is the end. I know this took me way way too long, and it feels quite abrupt, but I will explain a lot of my reasoning for ending it like this instead of continuing in any other direction.  
> Trigger warnings for suicidal thoughts and actual killing.
> 
> I UPDATED THE TAGS SO PLEASE CHECK TO STAY SAFE

He really shouldn’t have left a weapon within reach. I had so many options now. It would be easy to kill myself. The knife was devastatingly sharp and it wouldn’t take much pressure to open up my veins. 

I could try to escape, but I was rather attached to my hand, and wanted to keep it attached to me. I heard that dogs would chew their own leg off to escape a trap. I’m no dog, and the thought of sawing off my hand to escape the cuff was revolting. It was definitely not an option.

If I was feeling brave, I could try to threaten Vic into unlocking me, but I knew a gun wasn’t too far away. A knife would be useless against a gun.

I could kill him. That thought kept entering my head. I  _ wanted  _ to kill him. It would be so easy to drive the blade home into his chest, or his stomach, or cut his throat. There was so much damage one could do with a knife. I’d been on the receiving end far too often. It felt nice to have power. I didn’t want to be the victim.

I  _ refused _ to be the victim. I wouldn’t let that happen again, I was better than that, I was stronger than that, and I would rather die than suffer at the hands of someone else. Again.

That sealed the deal, and Vic’s fate. I was going to kill him, or die trying. The tiny modicum of power I felt from just holding the knife spurred me forward. Gripping the hilt with both hands above my head, I stabbed down but stopped when the tip of the knife was barely a centimeter from Vic’s chest.

If I was going to do this, I was going to do this right. There was no room for error. The first blow must be fatal, because anything else would lead to me having a painful death instead of Vic. Waking him up with a knife that didn’t go far enough to reach his heart was going to end with him getting help, and him getting angry. That was not going to happen. I wasn’t  going to make a mistake.

I needed to weigh my options. How did I want to do it? I wanted him to die in pain, to feel at least a fraction of the pain he had caused me, and many others. But prolonged suffering ran the risk of him not dying quick enough.

So when I finally made the decision to slit his throat, I actually went through with it. There was a lot more blood than I was expecting, and the look in his eyes when he saw what I was doing hurt more than I was expecting it too. I grabbed a pillow from the bed and held it over his face, smothering him, but also so I didn’t have to watch him die.

He stopped struggling soon after, and his body went limp. I hesitantly lifted the now blood soaked pillow. He was dead. He was dead, and I wasn’t. I was no victim, not anymore. I had the power and I had the control and I wasn’t a victim.  _ I wasn’t _ .

People would come in eventually to check on their missing leader. I sat cross legged on the bloody sheets, with a complacent smile on my face. I knew I was going to die. They’d kill me without hesitation for killing Vic. They probably wouldn’t make it quick, either. I didn't care. The fact that I had some sense of almost pride for what I had done made facing my death easier. And I wasn’t scared to die. I had faced much worse.

Someone did come in, and it was Mike. I could not look at him. He had helped me and I had repaid him by killing his brother. Mike took a step towards me and I pointed the knife at him.

“Kellin. Put down the knife.” I shook my head. “You know they’re going to kill you now?” I did, and I also noticed how he had separated himself from them. “They’re gonna make it painful. Really painful.” I nodded along. Smiled at him. It  _ was _ going to hurt. Mike looked utterly torn, like he couldn’t decide whether or not his brother had deserved to die. He had. We both knew he had.

“Kellin. I-I could make it hurt less. If I killed you now, they can’t hurt you more.” He looked panicked. I just looked back at him. “They can’t hurt you more,” he whispered, as if to justify his decision and steady his hand. “I don’t want them to hurt you more.” And he pulled the trigger.

It could have hurt a lot worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super long note so here we go:  
> Originally, I was planning on this story being like the original version, where Vic redeems himself and he and Kellin fall in love and run off into the sunset together. After a lot of deliberation, I decided that there was absolutely zero way for Vic to redeem himself, and any relationship that Kellin and Vic could ever possibly have would be ridiculously unhealthy.   
> And I can't do justice to any type of recovery for Kellin. I don't want to romanticize unhealthiness, I don't want to write another story where the victim somehow forgives the perpetrator and I don't want to write a story where loving someone who hurt you seems right.  
> So sorry that this was an abrupt ending, and not the way I had originally intended this story to go.   
> I hope you enjoyed this train wreck of a story. Thanks for reading, I love every single one of you, and I hope you have a good day!

**Author's Note:**

> Cool! You guys have survived! I wanted to rewrite this so it doesn't read like a cringy freshman wrote it and was previously edited by a cringy sophomore. I'm now a totally mature and talented junior, so this is going to be truly a masterpiece. I'm completely joking. Anywho, kudos or comments if you'd liked, take care of yourselves and I'll try to update soon!


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